Rest Easy, Friends

Have no fear! Samisota has returned!

I have been released from prison. I am in no mood to explain the story to you all, dear readers, as I have many things to deal with. I shall instead leave you with this exclusive interview that I gave to The Canberra Tribune (the only decent paper in this hell-hole of a city) upon my release.

Canberra Tribune: On the 10th of April, Prof. Daniel Samisota of the University of Canberra was charged with several counts of animal cruelty and negligence. This passed under the radar of the mainstream media, with only the Tribune doing any serious reporting on the issue. At 11am today, Prof. Samisota was released from Quamby Juvenile Detention centre and aquitted of all charges. The prosecution has announced that they will not be pressing charges again, due to a lack of evidence. This is a very complicated issue with many facets, so who better to provide us with an explanation of the proceedings than the Professor himself. Prof. Samisota, welcome.

Daniel Samisota: I’d appreciate it if you made this quick.

CT: Before we begin, I notice you’ve got a rather impressive black eye – is that a souvenir from Quamby?

DS: Thanks for asking. Other than a bruised eye, I maintained a self-imposed vigorous health routine to ensure that I was able to ‘take on,’ so to speak, fellow inmates should the need have arose. My diet consisted of the provided fresh oranges, as well as the orange peel, which I was able to obtain from fellow victims of the criminal justice system who, for some reason, refused to engage in such a delicious treat.

CT: Ok, just to refresh our readers’ memories would you give us a brief narration of your arrest and the subsequent court case?

DS: Police officers showed up at my front door, illegally broke in, and informed me that there were suspicions of criminal activity on my property. They took one look at the state of the kitchen (which is Anita’s responsibility, and she knows this) and handcuffed me for “severe animal cruelty”, without any ‘hard’ evidence. The court case was rather surreal; I was treated like a child the entire time, and I believe they gave me some leniency because I repeatedly told them that my parents are no longer alive. They, for whatever reason, took pity on this, but sentenced me to an undefined term of ‘correction.’

CT: So you still claim that you are not guilty?

DS: That much is obvious to anyone who has followed my case. As I have admitted on my weblog, the only crime I have ever knowingly committed has been the occasional experiment with jaywalking. There is certainly no reasonable reason – none! – to feel that I have ever treated animals, including my daughter, with anything other than the upmost dignity and respect that they deserve.

CT: Ok. Well, you were released today. Would you care to give us an idea of what it was like being a 58 year-old professor in a juvenile detention centre?

DS: I wasn’t treated with any respect. I could only take solace in my inmate, Phil, a 17 year old with a keen interest in chemistry (particularly in the synthesis, widescale manufacture, and extremely profitable distrubution of adulterated methamphetamine street products). We took a liking to each other, although his wacky lingo often contained references to what I could only guess to mean some sort of henious homosexual act, which I certainly made my disapproval of clear early on.

CT: So why did they put you in there in the first place?

DS: Some crazy court mix-up. When I was standing before the judge, they apparently couldn’t tell that I was definitely not a minor. If the beard, baldness, and sensual booming voice weren’t enough, I also showed up with a wife and two of my children (although my wife was quickly escorted from the premises – something about no pets in the courtroom, another thing they got wrong). I was sent to the juvenile correctional facility as a result, but as I mentioned earlier, they did offer their sincerest condolences over the passing of my parents. Thirty years late, but that’s what your taxes are paying for. Sheesh.

CT: That’s the ACT justice system for you.

DS: Sorry, but who’s being interviewed here? If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it.

CT: Now, the prosecution isn’t continuing to press charges, why is that?

DS: After I was relocated to the correctional facility, I shut off the gas, electricity, water, etc. for my house. My wife, in a moment of cold desperation, attempted to light the house on fire (and eventually succeeded) to create warmth. Any evidence that may have existed proving the charges – which there wasn’t any, I assure you, would have been burned down in the fire (very little remains of the house or its belongings).

CT: So is it your opinion that there wasn’t enough evidence to convict you in the first place.

DS: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

CT: Well, even if the original conviction hadn’t been erroneous?

DS: Ah, okay; I see your angle. Typical. All I’m going to tell you is that the conviction was wrong, always has been wrong, and always will be. I’m an innocent man. And frankly, I’m waiting for reimbursement for the time spent in the juvenile detention centre. A miscarriage of justice demands compensation.

CT: So they did actually have evidence against you initially?

DS: No. Stop suggesting that they did.

CT: But they don’t now.

DS: And they never did. I don’t see why I should feel compelled to incriminate myself – were the charges legitimate, which they are not – in a lousy interview.

CT: So it just disappeared? What happened to it?

DS: The “evidence”, if you can call it that, is a pile of ash. Thank my wife for that. I wouldn’t lose much sleep over it, chump.

CT: And they’re not charging her with destruction of evidence?

DS: Apparently, and this I don’t understand, they saw fit to clear her of any wrongdoing due to her “state”. When I asked what they were referring to, I was greeted with nothing other than a strange glance.

CT: Speaking of which: you’re a family man. How did your family deal with your incarceration?

DS: My oldest son, Jonathan, quickly escaped the house when food supplies were diminished. He was found living in a nearby ditch, behind a neighbors’ home, eating his own defecation and relying on the warm mud in the ditch for heat and comfort. I cannot speak for him, of course, but he likely wisely felt that living conditions at the home had fallen apart without my humble guidance.

Anita dealt with the incarceration by burning the house down, as I have explained.

I haven’t spoken to William or Amanda yet (my other children), but I’m sure they’re doing fine.

CT: I didn’t know the electricity/gas/water/communications companies were that harsh.

DS: Oh, no; it was my idea, and not theirs. I felt it was time for the family to learn some responsibility. They can’t depend on me for everything – although since I bought the new property, they have been doing exactly that, which is frustrating.

CT: Any thoughts on what you’ll do now? Will you be returning to your position at the University of Canberra?

DS: I have not been asked to return to that fine institution, but I am expecting a call any day now. Any day now.

CT: Well, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you.

DS: Oh, not really. Since getting out of ‘prison’, I’ve spent most of my time in a drunken stupor in a bus shelter. It’s been pretty bad, actually, because cops kept harrassing me, and often pre-pubescent children would walk past in groups and point and laugh, saying things like ‘Freak of Nature’ and ‘Ugly Scary Hobo Man.’ My painful story just illustrates the sad treatment of the reformed products of the so-called criminal justice system.

CT: (laughs) Well, thanks again for giving the Tribune this interview Prof. Samisota.

DS: What the fuck? Is something fucking funny? Go fuck yourself!

The Inhumanity of the Australian So-Called Justice System

This is why the PATRIOT Act should be overturned.

Hello, dear friends. If you are wondering where I have gone, the previous post from my knuckleheaded wife, Anita, may give you some poorly worded insight as to my whereabouts (I must remember to cancel the internet and telephone connections at the homestead), but to clarify this issue to the fullest extent possible, I will come out and tell all of my loyal readers that I am currently serving a 4 year sentence at the Australian Capital Territory’s only jail (Quamby) on $6 million bond.

Hello, my name is Anita. I am Profesor Samisota’s wife. You may of herd of me.

Hello, my name is Anita. I am Profesor Samisota’s wife. You may of herd of me.

My dear huband Daniel has just been arested on charges of “sevear animal cruelty”. We are fighting this. It was not his fauly – admiteddly he has troble controling his temper, but I’m sure they desreved what he did to them.

Just like me and William do.

Strangely Destructive

My son William just informed me that he might — might — be interested in men, sexually.

What a fag.

In response to this horrifying news, I smashed a wooden ladder over his head (the ladder had seen better days, admittedly, so I wasn’t doing much harm to the household supply of necessary tools and utilities) and then kicked his face into the steel door behind him, and then told him that Samisotas aren’t wusses. They know how to fight.

I think the kid got the message. Updates will be posted if the child seems willing to repent his ways…

Back For The Long Haul

Well, here I am.

My loyal followers have been clamoring for an update for quite a while now, but it has been worth the wait: I went to the Virgin Islands for a vacation. I had been planning to write blog entries while there, but I was dismayed to learn that currently Fiji doesn’t have access to the Internet. It is a discovery like this which emphasises the urgent need for politicians to stop wasting their time legislating nonsense like the “beavers’ bill of rights” (formulated directly to attack yours truly) and ensure that third world pseudo-paradises catch up with the rest of us on basic technology.

My house was in a bit of a shambles when I arrived back at home as well, because my lovely wife Anita has an uninformed habit of eating breakfast and bathing simultaneously. Not only does the food get wet, but sometimes she is so strapped for time that she will actually bring the toaster in with her to the bathtub, which, needless to say, results in serious explosive damage to her bathroom. In our absence, she had completely destroyed her bathtub and her toilet (no idea how). She is now required to use my bathroom, much to my annoyance. I have never seen so many plucked eyebrow hairs sitting in a sink at once.

William ‘Trouble’ Samisota

Joyous news!

I have accepted William’s offer on his behalf, he will begin studying Computer Science at the Australian National University this year. While it’s my opinion that the overall teaching standard is far higher at the University of Canberra, I have been informed that the Computer Science degree at the Australian National University is better than the same degree at the University of Canberra. This is unusual, as we all know that the University of Canberra offers far better facilities for students, teachers and researchers. It was no mistake that I ended up at this fine institution. A Samisota always does his research (why, I am the perfect example of a researching Samisota, hah) and when the University of Canberra first extended its offer of a Professorship to me, I investigated the institution and found that, not only is it one of the best in Australia, it is one of the best in the world.

Family Crisis!

My son William claims that he is going to reject the offer extended to him by the Australian National University to undertake a degree in Computer Science at their prestigious school. He has always been a difficult child, but this (along with his plan to take up hairdressing, of all things) is the last straw. If he goes ahead with this ridiculous plan it will be a dark day for the Samisota clan.

You Like Me, You Really Like Me!

Well, I assumed you would.

It seems that within an hour of my first posting (thanks to my brilliant son Jonathan for helping me set this up) this weblog had attained over three hundred views despite the fact that I had only notified my immediate friends and family of the site’s existence. Of course, that number has continued to balloon since but a gentleman doesn’t need to gloat, not much anyway, so I shall keep that exact figure to myself until a later date.

While I give my new readers a chance to catch up on my first post regarding my trip to Canada during the last month, I will give you all some background information about myself and my family, in case you should find it useful in discovering all of the knowledge and perspective that an education in Samisotian adventures has to offer.

Canadian Adventure – 02/12/2007 to 14/01/2008

Tally ho!

I have just returned from an exciting and rather informative trip into the remote regions of Canada (Northern Canada, that is, not Vancouver). Although we had our share of trials and tribulations, my two sons and I have returned home safely to our glorious homestead just outside of Canberra. My darling wife Anita was in tears when we arrived and had I been a lesser man, the force of her embrace would have bowled me over. My daughter was also pleased to see us, but I managed to dodge her hug. Anita was eager to hear stories from our trip, but my sons and I had to politely refuse to tell her. During the trip, William tried convincing me to write my memoirs, but on top of my work at the University of Canberra it would be too much, and I would not have time for my other hobbies.