Rest Easy, Friends

Have no fear! Samisota has returned!

I have been released from prison. I am in no mood to explain the story to you all, dear readers, as I have many things to deal with. I shall instead leave you with this exclusive interview that I gave to The Canberra Tribune (the only decent paper in this hell-hole of a city) upon my release.

Canberra Tribune: On the 10th of April, Prof. Daniel Samisota of the University of Canberra was charged with several counts of animal cruelty and negligence. This passed under the radar of the mainstream media, with only the Tribune doing any serious reporting on the issue. At 11am today, Prof. Samisota was released from Quamby Juvenile Detention centre and aquitted of all charges. The prosecution has announced that they will not be pressing charges again, due to a lack of evidence. This is a very complicated issue with many facets, so who better to provide us with an explanation of the proceedings than the Professor himself. Prof. Samisota, welcome.

Daniel Samisota: I’d appreciate it if you made this quick.

CT: Before we begin, I notice you’ve got a rather impressive black eye – is that a souvenir from Quamby?

DS: Thanks for asking. Other than a bruised eye, I maintained a self-imposed vigorous health routine to ensure that I was able to ‘take on,’ so to speak, fellow inmates should the need have arose. My diet consisted of the provided fresh oranges, as well as the orange peel, which I was able to obtain from fellow victims of the criminal justice system who, for some reason, refused to engage in such a delicious treat.

CT: Ok, just to refresh our readers’ memories would you give us a brief narration of your arrest and the subsequent court case?

DS: Police officers showed up at my front door, illegally broke in, and informed me that there were suspicions of criminal activity on my property. They took one look at the state of the kitchen (which is Anita’s responsibility, and she knows this) and handcuffed me for “severe animal cruelty”, without any ‘hard’ evidence. The court case was rather surreal; I was treated like a child the entire time, and I believe they gave me some leniency because I repeatedly told them that my parents are no longer alive. They, for whatever reason, took pity on this, but sentenced me to an undefined term of ‘correction.’

CT: So you still claim that you are not guilty?

DS: That much is obvious to anyone who has followed my case. As I have admitted on my weblog, the only crime I have ever knowingly committed has been the occasional experiment with jaywalking. There is certainly no reasonable reason – none! – to feel that I have ever treated animals, including my daughter, with anything other than the upmost dignity and respect that they deserve.

CT: Ok. Well, you were released today. Would you care to give us an idea of what it was like being a 58 year-old professor in a juvenile detention centre?

DS: I wasn’t treated with any respect. I could only take solace in my inmate, Phil, a 17 year old with a keen interest in chemistry (particularly in the synthesis, widescale manufacture, and extremely profitable distrubution of adulterated methamphetamine street products). We took a liking to each other, although his wacky lingo often contained references to what I could only guess to mean some sort of henious homosexual act, which I certainly made my disapproval of clear early on.

CT: So why did they put you in there in the first place?

DS: Some crazy court mix-up. When I was standing before the judge, they apparently couldn’t tell that I was definitely not a minor. If the beard, baldness, and sensual booming voice weren’t enough, I also showed up with a wife and two of my children (although my wife was quickly escorted from the premises – something about no pets in the courtroom, another thing they got wrong). I was sent to the juvenile correctional facility as a result, but as I mentioned earlier, they did offer their sincerest condolences over the passing of my parents. Thirty years late, but that’s what your taxes are paying for. Sheesh.

CT: That’s the ACT justice system for you.

DS: Sorry, but who’s being interviewed here? If I wanted your opinion, I would have asked for it.

CT: Now, the prosecution isn’t continuing to press charges, why is that?

DS: After I was relocated to the correctional facility, I shut off the gas, electricity, water, etc. for my house. My wife, in a moment of cold desperation, attempted to light the house on fire (and eventually succeeded) to create warmth. Any evidence that may have existed proving the charges – which there wasn’t any, I assure you, would have been burned down in the fire (very little remains of the house or its belongings).

CT: So is it your opinion that there wasn’t enough evidence to convict you in the first place.

DS: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

CT: Well, even if the original conviction hadn’t been erroneous?

DS: Ah, okay; I see your angle. Typical. All I’m going to tell you is that the conviction was wrong, always has been wrong, and always will be. I’m an innocent man. And frankly, I’m waiting for reimbursement for the time spent in the juvenile detention centre. A miscarriage of justice demands compensation.

CT: So they did actually have evidence against you initially?

DS: No. Stop suggesting that they did.

CT: But they don’t now.

DS: And they never did. I don’t see why I should feel compelled to incriminate myself – were the charges legitimate, which they are not – in a lousy interview.

CT: So it just disappeared? What happened to it?

DS: The “evidence”, if you can call it that, is a pile of ash. Thank my wife for that. I wouldn’t lose much sleep over it, chump.

CT: And they’re not charging her with destruction of evidence?

DS: Apparently, and this I don’t understand, they saw fit to clear her of any wrongdoing due to her “state”. When I asked what they were referring to, I was greeted with nothing other than a strange glance.

CT: Speaking of which: you’re a family man. How did your family deal with your incarceration?

DS: My oldest son, Jonathan, quickly escaped the house when food supplies were diminished. He was found living in a nearby ditch, behind a neighbors’ home, eating his own defecation and relying on the warm mud in the ditch for heat and comfort. I cannot speak for him, of course, but he likely wisely felt that living conditions at the home had fallen apart without my humble guidance.

Anita dealt with the incarceration by burning the house down, as I have explained.

I haven’t spoken to William or Amanda yet (my other children), but I’m sure they’re doing fine.

CT: I didn’t know the electricity/gas/water/communications companies were that harsh.

DS: Oh, no; it was my idea, and not theirs. I felt it was time for the family to learn some responsibility. They can’t depend on me for everything – although since I bought the new property, they have been doing exactly that, which is frustrating.

CT: Any thoughts on what you’ll do now? Will you be returning to your position at the University of Canberra?

DS: I have not been asked to return to that fine institution, but I am expecting a call any day now. Any day now.

CT: Well, it sounds like you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you.

DS: Oh, not really. Since getting out of ‘prison’, I’ve spent most of my time in a drunken stupor in a bus shelter. It’s been pretty bad, actually, because cops kept harrassing me, and often pre-pubescent children would walk past in groups and point and laugh, saying things like ‘Freak of Nature’ and ‘Ugly Scary Hobo Man.’ My painful story just illustrates the sad treatment of the reformed products of the so-called criminal justice system.

CT: (laughs) Well, thanks again for giving the Tribune this interview Prof. Samisota.

DS: What the fuck? Is something fucking funny? Go fuck yourself!

The Inhumanity of the Australian So-Called Justice System

This is why the PATRIOT Act should be overturned.

Hello, dear friends. If you are wondering where I have gone, the previous post from my knuckleheaded wife, Anita, may give you some poorly worded insight as to my whereabouts (I must remember to cancel the internet and telephone connections at the homestead), but to clarify this issue to the fullest extent possible, I will come out and tell all of my loyal readers that I am currently serving a 4 year sentence at the Australian Capital Territory’s only jail (Quamby) on $6 million bond.