This is why the PATRIOT Act should be overturned.

Hello, dear friends. If you are wondering where I have gone, the previous post from my knuckleheaded wife, Anita, may give you some poorly worded insight as to my whereabouts (I must remember to cancel the internet and telephone connections at the homestead), but to clarify this issue to the fullest extent possible, I will come out and tell all of my loyal readers that I am currently serving a 4 year sentence at the Australian Capital Territory’s only jail (Quamby) on $6 million bond.

Thankfully, the taxpayer funded prisons in Canberra provide me with the finest Internet and computer services available in the state, although I do not have consistent access because my cellmate, a bulky and intimidating male who is approximately 6′4″ and incarcerated for having a meth lab, often takes over the computer so he can write emails to his good friend Jake. Well, he is within his rights, so I cannot complain too much. But the thought does sometimes cross my mind that he is taking advantage of the generous Canberra citizens and their socialist (‘ALP’) government by utilising the Internet services on such a frequent basis.

As for me, I was arrested on bogus charges of animal cruelty after police, in what they claim was a ‘routine search’, broke into my humble abode and found a collection of beavers, some deceased, while others alive and well, although the officers of the law contended that they were deformed and being experimented on in an inhumane manner. Well, what do they know! Science is once again being stifled! Research is second to animal rights fanaticism, and our knowledge is suffering greatly as a result. I continue to maintain that I have broken no laws and have done nothing unethical, but I will state my unequivecal disagreement with ‘animal rights’ statutes either way.

The judge said that I would be eligible for parole in one year pending good behaviour, which I do not anticipate to be a problem, as I am a citizen of the highest moral fibre. I will admit, in the interest of full disclosure, that I jaywalked once in 1983, and ran a red light last year when I was driving Jonathan to the hospital after the lower half of his body caught on fire in a routine Samisota expedition (though I feel that the trip to the hospital was highly unnecessary). I do not believe I suffered any legal consequences for either of these actions, but the punishment for this so-called animal cruelty violation does not fit the only laws which I actually have broken!

I will soon be setting up a PayPal account so that you, my loyal readers, may send donations to my legal council. I have hired an excellent lawyer by the name of Oliver Brannigan, who was also my roommate in college (ah, the fun times we had at the weekly taxidermy club meetings!). We are all working very dilligently to see that justice prevails and that I am let out of this madhouse known as a jail at once.

Though I am enjoying the food. Far better than Anita’s, Amanda’s or William’s cooking.